


Life Like This

by UltimateOptimist



Series: Medical Series/ Jess 'verse [1]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Hospital, Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bromance, Depression, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Gen, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Insecure Michael, Insecurity, M/M, Michael Clifford & Ashton Irwin Friendship, Michael Clifford & Calum Hood Friendship, Postpartum Depression, Sad Michael, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-27
Updated: 2016-04-15
Packaged: 2018-05-23 12:24:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6116365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UltimateOptimist/pseuds/UltimateOptimist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He'd trying to be the best dad, husband and nurse he can but life is difficult sometimes. Michael loves his job, his husband, his daughter. But being a new dad is hard and returning to work is harder....<br/>Basically the band work in a hospital. Michael and Luke have just  had a baby, but life isn't all plain sailing.<br/>First fanfic because I like AUs and I like vulnerable Michael.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> First work on here - let me know if I should continue (Second part is written and is better!)

CHAPTER 1 

“Here she is!” Karen grins instantly dropping her bag in the hall as she spots her grand-daughter and rushes up to her son and the little girl curled into his arms.  
“Gee Hi Mum” Michael deadpans with a grin, rocking his daughter in his arms and heading into the living room.  
“Oh Hi my boy” Karen winks, kissing him on the forehead. “You all set?” She asks. Today is Michael’s first day back at work as a nurse. Jess is 3 months now, and as much as he loves her he can’t wait to get back to the job he loves. He and Luke are lucky to have supportive parents close by, always willing to lend a hand to watch their daughter if needed.  
“Yeah, think so” Michael smiles, trying to shake off the feeling of nerves – both at returning to work after 4 months off and of leaving his beautiful daughter.  
“We’ll be fine, how much trouble can the two of us get up to?” Karen reassures him, reading his mind. She takes the now squirming baby out of her son’s arms – someone clearly wants their grandma.  
“I don’t even want to think about the answer” Luke grins, stepping into the room. “Morning Karen ,” he smiles, kissing her cheek and kissing his daughters forehead.  
“Enough of the cheek” Karen warns good-naturedly.  
“Almost ready babe?” Luke asks, pulling on his jacket, and grabbing his bag. Luke’s a doctor in the ER where Michael works.  
“Yeah....yeah” Michael breathes out, not sure why he’s so anxious about leaving his daughter with his mum, or returning to the place he’s worked in for 5 years.  
“You’ll be fine, we’ll be fine” Karen promises, her heart aching for her son. She knows how he feels, and she knows that for Michael returning to work isn’t about the money – on Luke’s salary they don’t need it. It’s about him getting some identity back, doing the one thing Michael has always been so sure he is good at.  
“Thanks Mum” he smiles.  
“You can always delay it a few months....” Luke suggests, slipping on his shoes. Michael sighs, he knows Luke isn’t entirely happy at the situation. Luke believes it’s a bit early for Michael to be leaving Jess to return to work, they both work long and irregular hours. He’s not trying to be unsupportive, but Michael can’t help but feel slighted by the comment – Luke could always give up his job.  
Karen’s heart drops as he sees his smile drop, Michael tugging at his sleeves and the hem of his top self-consciously. She knows it’s been a sore point in the house, she also sees how much Michael needs to get back to work.  
“Nonsense, Jess needs some routine, and getting used to being with other people” Karen argues good-naturedly for him. Michael smiles affectionately – he really loves his mum.  
“Thanks” he mouths as her, Karen winks in return.  
“Ring us at lunch time yeah? Check I haven’t led her astray” Karen smiles kissing his cheek.  
Michael laughs and says goodbye.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“Well if it isn’t the best nurse in County’s finest?!” Ashton grins as he spots Michael at the nurses’ station, writing up some notes and chatting to some of his colleagues.  
Michael laughs, dropping his pen and turning around to face the blonde paramedic – he’d know that voice anywhere.  
“Morning Ash” he smiles. Despite the nerves this morning, Michael couldn’t be happier at work. The uncertainty he’s felt since he found out he was pregnant has left him, here everything fits – he’s good at his job, with patients, and has co-workers that love him. Here he isn’t worrying if everything he does is right or wrong.  
“Glad to see you back, You ok? Haven’t seen you in a few weeks” Ashton smiles, sliding up to the station and winking at one of the nurses Jade, who turns a shade of pink before scurrying off.  
“Stop doing that....She likes you and she’s embarrassed because she knows you have a boyfriend” Michael sighs, knowing Ashton loves to wind up the nurse who fancies him.  
Ashton grins shrugging.  
“I’m fine, Jess is fine....Sorry there’s just been a lot on” Michael sighs, switching one chart over for the next. He knows he’s not been the world’s greatest friend lately, often forgetting to text back but newborn babies are hard work and Luke went back to work after his two weeks paternity were up.  
“Hey it’s ok, I understand, so does Cal” Ashton meant the comment in good will, he feels bad as he notices the dip in Michael’s mood.  
“Thanks......” Before the younger man can say anything else he’s interrupted by a doctor shouting his name and approaching the desk.  
“Sorry Mike, Ash” she apologies, “but I’ve been called into trauma one...can you suture Mr Adams for me?” Dr Edwards asks, her bright blue eyes both hopeful and apologetic as she spots the number of charts stacked next to the nurse – he clearly has a full patient load too.  
“Sure” Michael smiles, heart sinking but it’s his job – he should be busy.  
“You are a lifesaver Michael Hemmings” She grins, “I owe you coffee” she promises running down the hall.  
“You’re too nice for your own good” Ashton smiles affectionately, nodding to the patient notes next to him.  
“She’s one of the nice ones” Michael shrugs, “even does her own blood draws”  
“Oh she’s a keeper then” Ashton drawls, his radio crackling to life, “Duty calls, don’t work yourself too hard....I’ll try and catch you for lunch?”  
“Go save the world Irwin” Michael grins with a nod. 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“What’s a nice guy like you doing in a place like this?” Luke grins as he walks into the staff room. Michael is sitting on the sofa, taking 5 before the chaos begins again. He’s out of shape work wise, well fitness wise too, not used to 12 hours being rushed off his feet.  
“Hey” Michael grins.  
Luke makes coffee for the both of them and sits down next to him. Kissing Michael’s cheek.  
“Holding up ok?” He asks, knowing how tough today is for the older man. 

“Yeah, forget how busy we get though” Michael smiles, yawning and snuggling into the taller man’s chest.  
Luke nods, despite the fact they’re both at work, he’s enjoying being this close to his husband just the two of them. He’s missed Michael in more ways than one. The pair sit talking for a few minutes, enjoying each other’s company. Despite the tiredness in Michael’s face Luke can’t help but marvel at how good he looks, and how animated he is telling stories from work – as much as he didn’t want Michael to return to work so soon he realises now it’s a good thing. The nurse needed this.  
“You know I’m off Saturday, maybe we can get your mum or mine to take Jess on Saturday night” he mentions nonchalantly, not trying to make a big deal out of it, but he and Michael’s sex life has been...somewhat lacking since Jess.  
“Hmmm maybe” Michael hums, instantly feeling sick at the thought. It’s not that he doesn’t want sex with Luke, it’s just he’s about 10 pounds heavier and several stretch marks post-Jess then he was before. He knows that he’ll work the weight off, and there’s bigger things to worry about but he can’t help but feel self conscious.  
Luke sighs, knowing Michael’s self conscious and that’s 100% of the problem.  
“Mikey you’re so beautiful to me, you carried my child, you’re 110% badass and sexy” Luke reassures him. If Michael was feeling more himself he wouldn’t twist the words so much, but he isn’t and so he does. Basically he’s a baby making machine.  
Before anything can be said Luke’s pager goes off and after a rushed apology he leaves Michael alone.....again......

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

It goes on like that for weeks, Michael reluctantly having sex a few times, but more often than not claiming a headache, or being too tired. He hides away from everyone when he’s not at work – he hasn’t seen Calum or Ashton outside of work since the first week he returned to work.  
Michael sighs wandering down the corridor, he has a full patient load again, and he’s been stuck in a trauma for the last hour – it’s a child, just one year old suffering from injuries from a car accident. He’s been rushed to Intensive Care, things not looking great and it makes Michael’s chest hurt to think about it. How it could have been Jess, he knows that thinking isn’t helpful, but his mind goes there anyway.  
“Mike! Hey!” Calum jogs to catch up with him, having been in on the same trauma. He could see the haunted look in the nurse’s eyes as he worked to give the child an IV. Child patients were always difficult, and Calum couldn’t imagine how it feels when you’ve just had a baby.

“Alright?” Calum asks warily.  
“Yeah....” Michael nods with a breath and a tight smile. Calum knows that look, it’s the I’m-just-about-keeping-it-together look and he knows that this isn’t the time to ask.  
“Fancy grabbing a beer with me and Ash tonight? Actually.....we could come to yours? Luke’s working a double isn’t he?” Calum asks, he misses Michael. He hasn’t seen him in weeks, it’s the longest time he hasn’t seen him since they became friends at 8 years old.  
Michael falters at that, “I...I’m not sure Jess hasn’t been sleeping well.....” he sighs, rubbing his hands over his face. It’s not exactly a lie, she hasn’t the past few nights, but if his daughter isn’t sleeping well then Michael’s barely sleeping, even when Luke is there to take his turn the red head is often wide awake, his insomnia acting up. Truthfully he doesn’t want to see his friends tonight, he’s too tired for social norms and conversation.  
“Well why don’t we come around to yours? Safety in numbers?” Calum jokes, nudging his shoulder softly. Michael holds back a sigh and nods, knowing he can’t win this one.  
“It’s a plan” he smiles biting the inside of his cheek to stop himself crying.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Michael fights a flare of jealous as he spots his husband and a tall, gorgeous female surgeon chatting at desk, laughing and nudging each other. He tells himself he’s over- reacting, it’s the tiredness and the aftershock of the difficult trauma patient. Luke isn’t interested in her, he’s married to him. Except why wouldn’t he be interested? Michael’s fat, pale with dark circles, and he still leaks milk, though not enough to feed Jess obviously, and he feels so much like a zombie that conversation is often too difficult for him once he gets home. This woman is stunning, and she can make him laugh....  
Michael needs something from the cart they’re standing at, or he could walk into the trauma room and get one from that cart, except the little boy from earlier is still in there being monitored as they wait for a bed and the thought of returning to that room makes his hands tremble. Instead he takes a steadying breath and walks over with an air of confidence he doesn’t feel.  
“Mikey hey” Luke grins, spotting his husband.  
“Hey, sorry I need to be in there” he forces a smile at this woman who smiles back and moves out the way.  
“Mike this is Dr Smith, she’s new to surgery” Luke introduces the tall brunette. Michael grabs the suture kit he needs, laying on top of the cart before turning around and offering a forced smile and his hand.  
“Nice to meet you Dr Smith” he smiles, tugging at his scrubs self consciously as he notices her willowy frame – god she is beautiful. He internally cringes as he feels his fat spilling over his scrub pants – god he’s out of shape.  
“Please it’s Lea.....you must be Luke’s husband” she smiles, looking at Luke almost predatorily.  
“Yeah that’s me” Michael smiles, “Sorry my patient’s waiting but it was nice to meet you.” He turns to leave but doesn’t get more than three steps away before Luke intercepts him.  
“Hey I heard about that patient in trauma one...you alright?” Luke asks, knowing how much it would rattle him. Hell it would rattle the blonde, selfishly he was glad he was up in X-ray at the time.  
Michael softens, because this is the Luke Michael loves, the caring sweet side, how could he think Luke would cheat? He’s so stupid.  
“Yeah, going to ring Jess at lunch though” Michael sighs, and that’s enough to tell Luke how he feels.  
“How about I join you?” Luke asks brushing Michael’s hair out of his face.  
“Perfect” he smiles looking up at his husband.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Michael plays with the pizza slice in front of him, appetite nonexistent as he desperately tries to keep up with the conversation Calum and Ashton are having. His day didn’t get much better, full of difficult patients, and Luke didn’t find him at lunch to ring Jess, offering no explanation but he did wish him goodbye as Michael left....as he returned from a coffee run with Dr Smith.  
“You done? You didn’t eat much” Ashton frowns, realising Michael has ate half one pizza slice.  
“Yeah” Michael sighs, tossing the slice back in the box.....he shouldn’t be eating it anyways, not if he ever wants to lose the baby weight. “Not hungry,” he shrugs.  
Ashton and Calum share a quick look but say nothing, Michael looks exhausted. He’s tried really hard for the past few hours, but the pair know he’s beginning to tire. It’s been a fun evening, nice to catch up finally, Calum and Ashton have missed him.  
“Do you guys need anything before we leave?” Calum asks, picking up his wallet from the table.  
“No thanks Cal,” Michael smiles softly giving the Kiwi a hug, “thanks for dinner.”  
“Take care of yourself,” Ashton hugs him, he can’t help but be concerned at how tired the younger man seems to be. “You’re off tomorrow right?”  
“Yeah....It’s Jess’s fist day at baby softplay” Michael yawns. Ashton winces at that – hoping that the red head would have a day to catch up on some sleep. He says nothing though, trusting Michael will know his limitations.  
“Ooooo well enjoy, let us know how it goes. I’m off Friday but you should see Cal” Ashton smiles.  
“Night guys” Michael waves them out the door before shutting at leaning against it. His eyes roam over the sink full of dishes, and the full washing machine and he sighs tears filling up his eyes. The house feels impossibly empty without his husband, and he’s so tired he can barely bring himself to climb the stairs into bed. As if on cue Jess begins to cry, and Michael can’t help but join in, silent tears running down his cheeks....  
How did his life become this?


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael's trying he really is......

CHAPTER 2 

“What a night....” Luke sighs, kicking his shoes of and pulling at his tie. It had been a hectic double shift. 

“Hmmmmm” Michael hums distractedly, too busy getting the baby bag ready while simultaneously keeping an eye out on Jess, who’s sat in her car seat gurgling quietly to herself as she plays with the toys on the bar across her. He gives her a smile and a silly face as the little girl continues to gurgle happily.  
Luke smiles at the interaction.

“Where are you guys off to? I thought we were both off today” Luke frowns, a little disappointed as he realises that the pair are clearly off somewhere, he was hoping for a lazy day with his family. 

“Baby soft play” Michael replies, still trying to fit everything into the baby bag, how did someone so small need so much stuff? 

“Oh...I forgot, you could always skip it, haven’t seen you two in over 48 hours” Luke offers, coming over and taking the baby grow Michael’s desperately trying to stuff into the bag off him. Of course Luke manages to rearrange the bag in a matter of seconds so it all fits in. Michael sighs he’s so stupid he’s being defeated by a baby bag. 

“You’ll be sleeping anyways” Michael forces a smile and a small laugh. 

“We could always....not sleep?” Luke asks, eyebrows raised. He’s trying really hard not to pressure Michael, but he also has needs. 

“Luke” Michael sighs.

“Sorry I didn’t mean that...well I did...I just miss you” Luke sighs, forcing Michaels head up to meet his eyes. “We haven’t had much time together lately.”

“I’m still here” Michael says quietly, internally he questions himself –is he though? Because lately he never feels present, his mind is always on the next thing to deal with. Luke hates that tone, he hates the idea of Michael being so shy of himself lately, especially when he isn’t at work. 

“Mikey,” he starts but is quickly interrupted.

“We’re going to be late” Michael sighs, dropping his gaze and shrugging Luke off him. 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The baby soft play is a disaster. Michael ends up being late and greeted with 10 young mums who all look fantastic, hair perfect and that’s when Michael realises he hasn’t washed his hair in at least 4 days. There’s dads there too, and couples, all looking well rested and happy. Jess seems to like it though, which means he’ll keep going back. Maybe next time Luke can join them.

“Hey how was it?” Luke greets them enthusiastically as they enter the house, immediately taking the car seat of Michael. Something smells nice in the kitchen, clearly Luke made lunch which is a surprise.

Michael doesn’t say anything other than “Jess loved it,” because who cares if he hated it? That he spent the full hour feeling judged. Jess was happy, that’s all that should matter right? 

“Great I made dinner, figured I’d make myself useful” Luke smiles, kissing his cheek and leading him into the kitchen. Michael smiles, and realises this is the first time in days he hasn’t had to force a smile. He's missed this, small surprises like this and it gives him hope that things are going to feel easier soon. Luke loves him, Jess loves him and he loves them both so much it makes his chest hurt. So they had to be ok right? 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The weeks seem to fly by and before Michael knows it Jess is 4 months old and he’s been back at work for a whole month. Luke’s been working more lately, covering staff sickness and Michael still isn’t sleeping well. The hope he felt at the beginning of the week has quickly waned. Things are beginning to get tense at home between the pair. Michael’s finding it harder to cope, and Luke is finding himself wanting to spend as much time out of the house as possible to distract himself from the weird tension at home. It's not necessarily that Luke wants to avoid the problem, or he's ignoring it but truthfully he's too tired to approach and resolve whatever is causing the tension. 

It’s another chaotic day at work, Michael hasn’t even had lunch yet and its well past 2pm. He’s been on since 7am. It doesn’t really matter, he’s not really hungry, but he wouldn’t mind calling Liz and speaking to Jess. It’s been a type of day where he needs to hear his daughter’s gurgling, to remind himself she’s safe and she’s happy. Working in the emergency room sometimes shows the worst of the people and the world. 

“Mike honey why don’t you grab some lunch” Carol the nurse manager says it nicely, but it’s not a request. The young man looks exhausted, utterly spent and over the past few weeks Carol’s been concerned. When Michael first came back to work he seemed tired but happy, his usual self but lately he’s more and more withdrawn, the circles under his eyes look bigger than ever. 

“Thanks Carol, do you want anything?” He asks, planning to nip up to the cafeteria, just because he’s not hungry doesn’t mean he shouldn’t’ eat. He has a child to look after now.  
Carol smiles, he really does always think of others – it’s what makes him a great nurse. 

“No sweetheart I’m fine, take an extra 15 minutes ok? You haven’t stopped all day. Ring that daughter of yours and take a seat” She smiles at him. Michael feels himself smile at her kindness, so grateful to have a boss like her. 

Michael drags himself upstairs, wondering if Luke is still on his break. Sure enough he spots the blonde sitting laughing through the cafeteria doors. He looks so happy, clearly he’s had a good day, and Michael feels so bad for being so miserable all the time. His smile falters when he sees who’s he’s sharing a laugh with...Dr Smith. He knows it’s probably nothing, but seeing them sitting so close, so carefree makes his heart clench because Luke didn’t even come to see if Michael wanted anything, or to take his break with him. He can’t remember the last time the pair looked like that, just the two of them. Luke leans a little closer, saying something into her ear, and the move is so intimate even if innocent, that it makes Michael’s heart sink and tears prick his eyes. He turns around quickly, hoping Luke hasn’t seen him, and decides he can live without a sandwich.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Michael doesn’t ring home, not trusting himself to speak and instead hides in an on-call room until his break is over. He thinks he might have fallen asleep for a few minutes, but he can’t really be sure.

“I might need you to do me a favour” Carol asks, her face grim. Michael knows what’s coming, he has to stay late or cover someone. He knows the manager hates asking him to cover now he has a daughter to get back to, but it’s his job and plenty of people have covered for him when he was pregnant, or when he’s been unwell in the past.   
“What do you need?” Michael asks with a tone of understanding.

“Can you work til 10? I know you’ll miss Jess’s bed time but Jade’s sick and that’s the earliest Ed can come in.” Carol asks, biting on her lip. She wouldn’t usually ask, but Michael is one of the most senior members of staff, and they’re really busy.

“Course I can, I’ll give Liz a ring, talk to Luke he should be done by 7pm anyway” Michael smiles, squeezing her shoulder. It’s nice in someways, to know he’s still seen as dependable for and sought after from someone other than just his daughter. 

“You are a lifesaver” Carol grins, ruffling his hair “I owe you a drink or coffee”

“Black with....” Michael grins

“Sugars yeah yeah” Carol laughs “I’ll grab one from across the street when I finish my shift”

Michael grins and picks up the chart of his next patient.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“Hey guys ” Michael greets, approaching Luke and Calum at the desk. 

“Mikey” Calum smiles scribbling some notes on a patient he came to consult on.

“Hey you” Luke smiles, looking up from his notes. It's the most relaxed he's seen his husband in weeks, and rather then him enjoy the sight he can't help the pang of sadness and jealously. 

“I uh....I got to stay late, I’m doing Carol a favour” Michael explains, suddenly nervous and he’s not sure why. He hates the look of disappointment he sees in Luke’s eyes, he’s seen it so much lately. He doesn’t know what else he can do, he’s really trying.

“Oh...Oh ok....It’s just well tonight we’re both off at the same time” Luke sighs, wincing because he doesn't mean to sound so unsupportive, he’s just disappointed, but it sounds it. He misses Michael, he misses talking to him about stupid things other then work or as much as he loves her Jess, he misses hearing Michael's laugh and lazy evenings curled up on the sofa.

“I know, but you know how it is” Michael apologises, “besides you’ve been doing it for weeks.” He mumbles, tugging at his sleeves.

Calum can’t help but be concerned at the action, it’s one of Michael’s tells when he’s not comfortable - and he seems to be doing it a lot more lately, even if the surgeon hasn’t seen much of the man.

“Yeah but I have to,” Luke sighs, and instantly regrets it because it sounds so insensitive and big-headed. Like Luke isn’t replaceable. 

“Oh so no-one can live up to you but me....didn’t realise I was insignificant” Michael eyes flash angrily, it’s the first real emotion other then sadness he’s felt in days. It’s almost a relief. The words hurt, and Michael gets the message loud and clear – he’s not important.

“Mike that came out wrong, I’m sorry. I’m just disappointed we can’t have a night together” Luke apologies immediately. He instantly feels awful, he doesn’t understand why but lately he feels like everything he says comes out wrong. He knows he’s been absent a lot lately, always willing to put the job first and he knows how selfish he’s being. 

Calum winces because this is one argument he doesn’t want to be a part in. It’s odd to hear Michael angry, and while he’s normally slow to anger once he gets there it often takes him a while to calm down.

Surprisingly, Michael just seems to deflate at that, “me too...I’m going to call your mum and explain” he sighs rubbing his face. Calum feels concern twisting in his stomach at just how defeated he sounds, like maybe he believes he is insignificant.

“Wait, I’ll do it ok, and I’ll have a cup of tea waiting for you and everything” he promises, taking a hold of his arm with a smile. He knows the older man loves a cup of tea waiting when he gets home. 

Michael can’t help but smile at that and Luke matches it, his heart picking up and he's sees the beautiful smile which has been lacking lately. 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

By 5pm Michael is struggling and he wishes he’d told Carol no. He’s utterly exhausted and he regrets not eating anything other than an apple and a banana all shift. His hands are shaking so badly he can barely write, let alone try and attempt the blood draw Dr Bay asked him to do 15 minutes ago.

“Here,” Suddenly Dr Edwards is next to him, handing him a sandwich and a cup of coffee while simultaneously taking the clipboard and pen off him. 

“I..uh...” Michael isn’t sure if he’s hallucinating this.

“You’re covering Jade right? So you’ve been on for over 12 hours, we’re finally starting to quieten down and you look like you’re about to fall down” The blonde smiles softly. Michael is the favourite of the department – loved by nurses, doctors and other staff a-like. She can’t help but feel protective.

“So go sit, eat, call Luke.....” She continues, “I can do that blood draw.” She shrugs.

“Pez....I....Thank you” Michael is so relieved he could cry, and embarrassingly he feels close to tears. Perrie seems to hear the tremble, her expression soften. 

“Rough day?” She asks sympathetically and Michael nods, not quite trusting himself to speak. More like months he thinks.

“Well go and sit, take 20 minutes” She instructs, “not a minute earlier I don’t care who asks” she warns, already strutting away. Michael smiles at the act of kindness and goes into the break room. 

He tries to ring Luke, but Liz picks up the phone.

“Sorry, I thought Luke would be home by now” Michael frowns, checking the clock on the wall – it’s 8pm so Luke should have finished an hour ago.  
“It’s fine honey, he got held up” Liz’s voice is warm and soothing. “How’s the hospital?” 

“Busy” Michael laughs, feeling a bit more human now he has something more substantial in his stomach. 

“Well your baby girl is fine, she’s fast asleep” Liz tells him and internally Michael cringes because that means she’ll probably be crying all night once he gets home. 

“Great, thanks Liz I better go.” He catches Calum’s eye as he walks into the staff room. “See you soon, and thanks again.”

“Who’s that?” Calum asks, grabbing two bottles of water from the fridge and holding one out to Michael. He hadn’t realised Michael was staying so late. 

“Liz, Luke must have got held up” Michael sighs, resting his head on the back of the sofa. He’s exhausted. 

Calum’s face darkens, most wouldn’t notice but Michael has known him too long not to notice the subtle change. 

“Cal?” He asks, frowning, as sixth sense tells him he’s not going to like this. 

“I...Just it’s probably nothing, but....well Luke finished at 7....I saw him leave with well Dr Smith, they were talking about grabbing a quick drink after work with a few of the other Drs” Calum hated telling Michael this, but he wouldn’t lie to his best friend, not even to protect his other best friend. He truly doesn’t believe Luke is doing anything to hurt Michael, not on purpose, but sometimes he gets so caught up in his job, and himself, he fails to think about the wider impact his decisions have or his actions.

Michael takes a second to process the information, momentarily speechless. 

“Mike I’m sure...” Calum begins, hating the look on Michael’s face, like the older man doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry. This is the most frayed he’s seen Michael in years, since they were at college. The mask he’s been wearing for who knows how long is beginning to slip and Calum’s stomach twists, because just how long has Michael been struggling? It makes his chest ache to see his best friend in so much pain.

“It’s innocent I know, I just......I mean....” Michael is literally speechless, here he was feeling sorry for his husband, sorry for working late and feeling sorry that he had to. But instead he’s drinking with his medic friends, like he doesn’t have a baby at home. It hurts, hurts that he is always putting his child first, and Luke first and his husband isn’t. Is Michael not worth it? 

“It’s fine he has the right to unwind after a day” Michael shrugs, hands tugging at his sleeves, they’re trembling and the sandwich he’s eaten makes him nauseous. He can’t remember the last time he had time to himself to unwind. Hell last time he met up with Ashton and Calum he had to bring Jess with him. He wonders if Luke’s been doing this more regularly then he thought. The thought makes his stomach twist. The thought that Luke is cheating nags a little at the back of his mind, and really at this point Michael is so pathetic who wouldn’t? He needs to go, be alone for a second, he can’t lose it here, not at work. 

“Mike....” Calum trails off, his heart aching for his best friend. 

“I need to get back to work” Michael mutters all but running out the room. He walks quickly, ducking his head to avoid Perries’ gaze where she’s standing talking to Jesy, one of the other nurses. He walks out the back door of the hospital, it leads to a service corridor and then to the back of the hospital grounds where no-one really comes, and takes a big deep breath before he lets his tears fall. 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

He cries a little, cleans himself up and heads back to work all before his 20 minutes, because Michael Hemmings is nothing but dependable. He manages to last until 12am – 2 hours after his extended shift was supposed to finish because they’re so busy. He doesn’t really mind, his mind calms down after that – he’s too caught up in work to think about how much he doesn’t want to go home. 

“I’m so sorry honey” Carol apologises profusely as she walks into the department. She’s coming in on her day off to help, so he figures working an 18 hour shift isn’t so bad. She steers him into the staff room, her intention clear – you’re going home. 

“Don’t come in tonight, I'll sort it and you’re off tomorrow anyway right?” She asks, pulling off her jacket as Michael just stares dumbly at his locker. This is the longest he’s worked in over a year and he’s paying for it.

“Yeah” he rubs at his eyes tiredly, not sure if he can drive. Carol watches him carefully with a frown.

“Taxi for Hemmings?” Ashton’s voice pops up from nowhere, as if on cue. Michael turns to face him, head instantly swimming and he fights to right himself against the moment of dizziness. 

“Hey you alright? Jeez man you’re wiped” Ashton chuckles, though there’s concern flavouring his tone. 

“Been a while since I’ve done this long” Michael mumbles, slowly turning back to face his locker.

“I know, Cal told me you’d pulled a late one, and I’m due a break so I’ll drive you home” Ashton walks over, nodding at Carol to say he’s got this. Carol nods and leaves, squeezing the red head’s shoulder as she passes. 

“It’s fine” Michael pulls on his jacket, not even bothering changing out of his scrubs. He doesn’t want to be a bother. Maybe he’ll stay at the hospital and drive home when he’s able to.

“Mate you can’t drive like this, and you have a home to get back to” Ashton states, “I really don’t mind” He promises, knowing Michael hates asking anything of anyone. He hates to be what he thinks is a bother, even if it puts him out.

Michael feels tears prick his eyes at the thought of going home, he doesn’t want to face his husband, and think what this might mean for them. He can’t cope with hearing Jess cry anymore. He shuts his eyes briefly and bites the inside of his cheek to stop the tears but it doesn’t work quick enough and Ashton sees, and hears the hitched breath. 

“Mike?” Ashton wraps an arm around his shoulder, not sure what’s going on. He knows the younger man hasn't been quite himself lately since he had Jess, more withdrawn and self-concious then normal. At first Ashton thought maybe it was a touch of the baby blues, but it seems to be going on for a lot longer then just a simple case of adjusting and hormone imbalance. It's been months and Michael still hasn't quite come back to them yet. 

“Just been a long day” Michael smiles watery, breathing deeply a few times to compose himself. He’s fine, he can do this, he has to do this. 

Ashton nods, not quite believing him but knowing it’s not the time to push. The drive home is slient, Michael falls asleep as soon as Ashton turns the engine on. Ashton smiles at how peaceful the younger man seems, though he can’t help but be concerned at the purple rings under his eyes. He deliberately takes the longer route back to his house, giving the nurse an extra 15 minutes to rest. 

“Mike, mate we’re here” Ashton shakes the other man gently. 

Michael looks at him groggily, momentarily disorientated, before it all comes back to him. 

“Sorry” he blushes

“No worries, go get some rest yeah?” Ashton smiles softly at his friend. 

“Yeah...thanks for the lift” Michael sighs, realising he now has to sort out getting his car back tomorrow.

“Don’t worry about your car me and Cal will sort it” Ashton’s seems to read mind as usual. The blonde really doesn’t mind sorting it, they’ve all done it for each other at some point, and clearly the young dad is absolutely fried. 

“Thanks Ash” he smiles softly, before yawning, “Good night.” He clambers out the car and walks into his house. It’s blissfully silent, Luke’s bag is at the front door, so at least he made it home. Michael kicks his shoes off and stares at the stairs, he can’t summon the energy to even crawl up them. So he walks into their living room and curls up on the sofa , pulling the big red comforter over him and is asleep instantaneously.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Life goes on after that. It’s been a week and Michael hasn’t said anything to Luke. He can’t face a fight, he just doesn’t have the energy, and he’s scared Luke might leave him. Michael wouldn't blame him, he's not exactly fun to be around, or attractive, or even a good dad or husband. He can’t do this alone though, the thought makes his pulse race and his head spin.

It’s his mum’s turn to watch Jess this morning, Luke’s already gone to work, the blonde’s shift starting early. Michael’s working 12 til 12 instead. 

“Morning sweetheart” Karen’s already downstairs by the time Michael’s managed to drag himself out of bed, into a shower, and downstairs. Karen’s worried, so is Liz they’ve both noticed how tired Michael’s been lately, and Karen wonders if Michael’s insomnia is bad again. He’s lost a lot of weight recently, and while had had a little extra to lose Karen’s concerned that he’s under where he ever was now. 

“Morning lovely ladies” he smiles, kissing her and his daughter who’s in his mother’s arms.

“You don’t look so well honey, are you sure you’re ok to work?” Karen frowns, reaching up to brush some of his hair off his forehead. He isn’t warm but he’s extremely pale, and the ever-present circles are a dark, deep purple.

“M’ok” he shrugs her hand off, hating to be fussed over. 

“Taking a day off might do you some good, you look like you need the sleep. I can look after Jess” she offers, pushing because he looks awful. 

“I have to go to work” Michael sighs, slipping on his shoes. He decides he’ll make his exit now. Usually he’d have coffee and some toast with his mother, but he can’t bear the thought of her concern. He’s really not worth it anyway.

“Sweetheart please” Karen sighs, and Michael cringes, because all he seems to hear is that tone of voice, like he’s such a disappointment. 

“Mum I’m fine, just been some long days, I have three days off starting tomorrow.” Michael promises.

 

“And you’ll rest?” Karen pushes.

Michael nods, because taking his daughter to soft-play and baby swimming isn’t like he’s doing much is it?

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

By the time they’re half-way through the day Michael almost wishes he has stayed at home. He’s being coddled off everyone, and it’s grating on his last nerve. He didn’t realise how bad he looked, but he did look awful, pale with lank listless hair and bags under his eyes. He was repulsive. Carol offers to send him home, and Michael almost takes it until he realises his house will be full of his mum and Jess, then Luke.....He can't face it, he loves his family, everything he ever does is for them and yet now he feels sick at the thought of going home. What the hell is wrong with him?

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“I’m just worried about him, he doesn’t seem himself” Calum sighs, sitting next to Ashton in the staff room. There’s just the two of them in there, allowing them to discuss things. He was shocked to see his friend this morning, he wasn’t looking well, and he was beginning to get annoyed at how blind Luke’s being.

“I know, he’s busy though, newborns are tough” Ashton reassures him despite his own thoughts.

“Luke seems happy enough” Calum mutters under his breath and the blonde paramedic frowns because clearly he’s missed something. Calum doesn’t answer his questioning glance however, he just sighs. 

“I just don’t know how to help” Calum shrugs, and Ashton’s heart goes out to his boyfriend. He seems so defeated. 

“Hey I’m off tomorrow too so how about I pop round. Maybe an extra pair of hands might help” Ashton offers. 

Calum nods with a grin, grateful to have such a great boyfriend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys thanks for all the comments and Kudos....I think there's going to be 4 chapters and I'm thinking of expanding it into a AU universe, maybe writing one-shots set in the Hospital setting? This just seems to have come easily...I have over a 11000 words written.
> 
> Please let me know what you think - Let me know you guys are reading it!   
> The next chapter is my favourite - Lots of angst, hurt/comfort and Calum/Ashton/Michael friendship.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes Breakdown's create Breakthroughs....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is my favourite chapter - I originally wrote this first as a one-shot....Now it's a good 4 chapters one maybe 5 and a possible expanding universe.....  
> Fair warning this chapter features Ashton being cute with Jess....because I can

CHAPTER 3   
“Morning Luke” Dr Smith smiles as Luke enters the staff room. 

Luke smiles and greets her although his stomach twists a little in guilt. He knows deep down he’s encouraging her attention and he’s lucky that so far it’s all been very innocent. He also knows she shouldn’t because he was no interest in her, and he’s married to a beautiful man with whom he has a beautiful daughter with. He would never cheat on Michael with her, but it’s exciting to flirt, but he knows she thinks that things will happen soon and he needs to stop it. Things just haven’t been great at home, and Lea is fun, and she gives him the attention that he hasn’t been getting for months now. He reaches his locker just as she leaves, shrugging off his coat and pulling out his stethoscope and white coat. He can’t help but feel a further pang of guilt when his wedding band clinks against the locker as he shuts it, as if a reminder he has a husband he didn’t go home to last night. Instead he slept on the on call room for the second time that week. 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Michael is wrong, he isn’t fine. The next day wasn’t much better than the previous. Michael actually sleeps through his alarm so they can’t go to soft play. He feels like a disappointment, because now his failings are interrupting his daughter’s routine. He isn’t fit to be a dad. Jess has been crying on and off all night, and Michael may have only dozed for an hour or so. Luke didn’t come home last night, sending a text to say he was stuck at work but Michael isn’t sure he believes that anymore. The thought weighs heavily on his mind, When is Luke finally going to leave him? Is he only staying for Jess?

He gets up and realises he has no clean t-shirts left, because Jess spit up on his last clean one and he forgot to put a load of washing in when he got home last night. He and Luke take turns and Michael just didn’t even think about it so now he has no clean shirts left. He bites back the tears and pulls an very old post-pregnancy top which is a few sizes bigger then he usually is. He likes it though, finding comfort in the excess material that swamps him, hiding him a little from the world. 

His thoughts leave him distracted, and he ignores the constant ringing of his phone because he knows if he talks to anyone he’ll breakdown. He sighs as he spots the missed calls – both from his mum and Ashton. He decides to make himself some toast, maybe even a cup of tea – but there’s no bread. Michael had forgot to go shopping again. 

He finally decides on cereal, though the thought of food makes his stomach churn but then he drops the bowl so it shatters on the floor, waking Jess up who’s only been asleep for an hour. Michael rushes upstairs but after half an hour he can’t help but cry with her. He’s tried everything to soothe his little girl, but nothing is working, and Michael feels his sobs growing with her. Eventually the little girl tires herself out and starts to drift off, Michael lies her down and walks into his bedroom, completely inconsolable. He sits in the en suite bathroom, on the floor and just cries. 

AN HOUR LATER

“Mikey? Mike!” Ashton shouts as he opens the front door. He’s been calling all morning but hasn’t had any luck reaching the man in question. Ashton tries not to worry, he knows Michael takes Jess to soft play on Tuesdays but he can’t help but feel like something is wrong. Michael looked truly awful yesterday, Ashton isn’t even sure how he lasted the full 12 hours at work, and upon leaving last night he spotted Luke with a patient which probably meant Michael was alone all night with Jess again. 

He can hear Jess wailing from upstairs, the poor child sounds distraught. He walks into the kitchen, half expecting to see Michael heating up a bottle for Jess to soothe her hunger, but the younger man isn’t there. He can’t hear Michael’s soothing voice from the baby monitor in the nursery, the other sitting on the kitchen bench – so where is Michael? He begins to head upstairs, confused and concerned - something twisting in his gut because something doesn’t seem right. He decides to try and soothe his god daughter first, her cries growing more and more desperate. Michael is still no-where to be seen, and Ashton pushes down the rising panic, he knows the younger man has a hard time of things lately – and Luke while he tries hasn’t been the most supportive husband. There’s no way he would just leave his daughter, so where was he? And why was he not soothing his child? 

“Hey, hey baby girl what’s all this crying for?” He scoops her out of her crib, dropping a gentle kiss on her forehead. Despite the panic he can’t help but grin as he smells her, and feels her soft skin on his – he can’t wait to have kids. 

“Where’s your daddy huh? Is that why you’re all upset?...Or did you just need a cuddle? Always got to be centre of attention huh” He rocks her in his arms and she quietens almost immediately, just giving out quiet little snuffles as she looks up at her uncle with those bright green eyes. 

“Let’s find daddy” he whispers, continuing the soothing motion, which is already putting her to sleep. 

“Mike? Mikey....it’s Ash.....” he announces unnecessarily, wandering around the upstairs. He pushes the door open to the bathroom but its empty. He checks the office, the music room and the guest room, then hesitantly knocks at the door that belongs to Michael and Luke. 

“Mike?...” The dark room is empty, and a mess with clothes strewn everywhere, the only source of light is coming from underneath the en suite bathroom – which means Michael is currently in there. As he walks closer to the room he can hear quiet, exhausted cries and sobs, making his heart clench, checking to make sure Jess is asleep he pushes the door open gently with his elbow. 

Michael is curled up on the bathroom floor, his knees tight to his chest and his head buried in his arms. Ashton can see him tugging at his hair, he honestly doesn’t think the nurse has heard him, he’s sobbing so forcefully his body is shaking with them, and it sounds like he can barely catch his breath. 

“Hey, Ssssssh its ok,” Ashton’s by his side instantly, sitting down carefully, mindful of the sleeping baby in his arms. He cradles Jess in one arm, and softly rubs Michaels back with the other. He’s seen Michael like this before, they’ve all known each other too long and too well to have not seen each other cry. The thing with Michael is he bottles everything up, he feels more then all of them it’s what makes him the excellent nurse he is, the amazing human being he is – he loves with his whole heart, feels with it, so when things aren’t ok he feels that just as hard too. He’s well aware of Michael’s demons, the ones that overwhelm him some days, the ones which ruled his life during college. He hides them well, too well sometimes, but every now and then they overwhelm him once again. Ashton doesn’t isn’t sure what’s causing it this time, though there’s a nagging feeling in his stomach it may have something to do with the baby in his arms and the absent husband. 

“It’s ok Mike, You’re ok, We’re all ok....” Ashton continues his mantra until Michael has calmed down enough to speak.

“Ash?” Michael finally calms down enough to speak, well croak. He looks up his eyes swollen and bloodshot, face pale. His hands are trembling, and he looks...well wrecked.

“Tough day at the office?....” Ashton asks with a small smile, referencing the baby in his arms, as if on cue the little girl begins to whimper quietly. He hands her over to her daddy, hoping they can both soothe each other. He frowns when he spots Michael’s hesitation, the younger man biting on his lip hard enough to draw blood but he takes his daughter anyway. Who immediately begins bawling her eyes out, sensing the tension in the man holding her. 

“Fuck” Michael swears, shutting his eyes against the tears that well up. “I’m sorry sweetheart, Sssssh, I’m sorry, I know, I know I ‘m not enough, I know, I’m sorry, I’m sorry you’re stuck with me, I know Sssssh” Michael whispers.

Ashton begins to feel himself tear up at the words, he had no idea the red-head felt this way. Michaels out of it, clearly weeks of juggling everything have left him utterly physically and emotionally exhausted and Ashton knows this because Michael is totally unaware he’s saying these things with his best friend next to him. He’s so far gone into his head, into the pit of self loathing that he only reserves for himself that he’s not aware at how open and vulnerable he’s being in front of someone else. In the 15 years the blonde has known him he’s only seen him like this twice before, and he knows the number will be similar for Calum, maybe even Luke too. 

Jess is wailing again, and that sets of Michael sobbing once more, open broken sobs which physically hurt Ashton to hear. He flinches as Jess begins to get even louder, practically screaming as she feels how upset her daddy is. It breaks him out of his thoughts and he takes Jess out of Michael’s arms. The effect is almost instantaneous, and Michael if anything just cries harder. God his child hates him, his husband is falling out of love with him, he can’t even soothe his own daughter, he ‘s replaceable at work...the list just continues in his head.

“See? I can’t....Ash...I Ca-“ Ashton can barely understand his friends words. 

“Mike I need you to calm down ok, you’re going to make yourself sick babe” Ashton speaks calmly, his voice adopting the tone he takes for patients showing signs of shock – soft but clear. 

“Deep breaths, Jess is fine, you’re fine, I’m fine.....” He begins the mantra again until Michael calms down to the point where Ashton’s sure he’s not going to spiral into a panic attack. 

“I’m going to put her down, then we’ll talk ok?” Ashton speaks quietly, as if talking to a spooked animal, afraid of setting either Hemmings off.   
Michael practically flinches again. 

“Hey, nothing you can say will shock me, scare me, make me think less of you ok? You’re amazing, always have been always will be....We can work this out ok?” He promises, kissing the top of his hair and standing carefully. 

Ashton makes quick work of putting Jess down – the 4 month old is already asleep.

“Don’t worry darling I’ll look after your daddy” he promises the sleeping girl, kissing her forehead. 

By the time he walks back to the bathroom Michael is retching in front of the toilet. His stomach upset from the constant crying. 

“Aw Mikey” he sighs, grabbing a glass of water and handing it to him. Michael takes a sip, before settling himself back against the bath tub, his knees drawn to his chest, looking determinedly at the floor. Michael’s pale, his eyes look red and extremely sore, but they’re dry for now – something Ashton suspects hasn’t been the case for a long, long time day today. 

Ashton settles himself next to him, close enough so that their shoulders touch, but not touching him any further. Michael used to hate being touched, and although he’s grown to be somewhat of a cuddler with his best friends, when he’s upset like this its often a no-go area.

“Talk to me” Ashton says after a few minutes of silence. “I’m a bit worried here....”

“I just...I....” Michael honestly doesn’t know where to begin. He’s not been himself since he found out he was pregnant in all honesty. How do you explain 13 months of feeling woefully inadequate? Since Jess was born it’s gotten worse, and the constant night-feeds he did when he was off work, and the shared responsibility of looking after his daughter, and work has just compiled it all. Even when Luke takes his turn more often than not Michael’s awake anyway – his insomnia playing up again. 

“Ok...what happened today? Before I came, what got you so upset today?” Ashton asks, trying to find a start point. 

Michael takes a breath, swallowing the lump in his throat. He can’t cry anymore, he’s an adult, a farther, he can explain this. He needs to explain this. 

“Luke didn’t come home, which isn’t unusual....but he promised me....and I’m exhausted from work, and Jess was fussy all night, and all day....and she won’t stop crying....and I didn’t get any housework done because she’s crying from being tired...and I have to work tomorrow...and I’m tired because even when I’m not at work I’m constantly doing things here, life just doesn’t stop ever and I can’t sleep again, and Luke’s never here to help, which isn’t always his fault, but it’s so hard....I can’t do this Ash.” Michael stutters, forcing the words out like it hurts him to say. “I can’t be a dad.”

Ashton wraps an arm around him then, needing the hug even if the other man didn’t. How hadn’t they noticed this? All the stress the younger man’s been under. 

“What do you mean you can’t sleep? Luke’s helping with night feeds isn’t he?” Ashton begins with that question as it’s the easiest to get to the bottom of. 

“He does...I just...I’m constantly thinking about what I need to do, or if Jess is ok, Michael trails off, looking at his hands.

“Mike....” Ashton sighs ,squeezing him a little.

“ Then there’s work, and all the baby-parent stuff. All these mam’s and dad’s are so stylish and put together but well.... I’m still carrying baby weight and half the time I don’t have time to even wash my hair, or be a person. I can’t remember the last time I picked up my guitar or did something in my time off that wasn’t with Jess, or for Jess and I love her Ash, so much but sometimes I resent it all ...she’s my life all the time now....I’m responsible for her? Me....and she cries so much, like she doesn’t even like me....She loves Luke, but me....” Michael trails off and Ashton heart breaks further at the words he doesn’t say....my baby doesn’t love me. 

“Mikey, she’s just fussy, and you’re with her more because of your hours that’s all....you’re her daddy, you carried and protected her for 9 months, and you’re amazing...you’re always there for your baby girl...All you’ve done since the minute the little girl was born is put her first...You put everyone first all the time” Ashton pulls him into his chest, seeing the red-heads lips tremble. 

“She’s your little girl, and you’re a new parent you aren’t’ supposed to be all put together, you’re new to this and you look great, you always have, and you’ve lost all that baby weight not that it even matters......Have you told Luke any of this?” He asks, playing with Michaels hair. 

“No..he has enough on his plate with work” Michael pushes the heel of his hands into his eyes so hard Ashton winces.   
He knows there’s something else going on. He’s known since the comment Calum made last night about Luke being happy enough, to be honest he’s suspected it since he spotted him looking cosy with a certain female in the ambulance bay 2 weeks ago. 

“Mikey...” his voice holding a slight warning tone. 

“...Luke’s....I noticed him flirting with one of the surgeons, It’s nothing...it’s probably nothing....but he went for a drink with her after his shift the other week and he only admitted it because Calum saw him and told me in passing and I asked him. Sometimes, I wonder......if maybe...” Micheal’s breath hitches. “I mean she’s beautiful, stunning, exciting and I’m just me....fat and boring now with a baby” Michael’s voice is as quiet as ever his voice choked up....and Ashton begins to tear up then because he finally understands....Michael doesn’t feel enough – for his husband, daughter, job or friends. 

“Mikey” Ashton’s voice cracks a little, pulling Michael so he’s practically sitting in his lap, like you would to a small child. Michael’s so out of it he doesn’t even think about it, just leans closer into the warmth Ashton provides, as if it could thaw the icy grip around his heart. 

“Is this why you wouldn’t come to dinner last week? Because you’re scared you would bore us?” Ashton asks, thinking about all the plans Michael declined, despite having access to a baby sitter or the offer of bringing Jess with him. At the time he and Calum didn’t think anything of it, assuming it was just difficult, or that Michael had plans with Luke and his daughter. 

Michael just nods, silent tears making their way down his cheeks. He’s too exhausted to lie, he feels exposed like this, like a raw nerve but he can’t help but be relived to say it – and to have someone listen to him.

“Oh Mikey...” Ashton whispers, tears in his own eyes, and voice choked. 

“I hate this Ash...” he whispers, “I hate feeling like this....” and Ashton finally cries at the implication at the words - I hate me. 

He takes a few minutes to compose himself, and to let the red-head cry some of it out. 

“Ok, here’s what we’re going to do...you’re going to shower and take a nap – take your meds if you need them I know you must still have a bottle somewhere” Ashton doesn’t even let Michael argue. 

In the past Michael’s insomnia has been at times so bad, he has medication for it. “I’m going to call Carol and swap your shift with a late one tomorrow so you can rest. I’m going to watch your daughter, and wash some clothes and clean....and I’ll make us some dinner ok?” Ashton knows Carol loves Michael, hell all the staff love him, and it won’t be a problem, If Luke has a shift Ashton knows Calum is off tomorrow night and can watch Jess. 

Michael nods against the blonde’s chest, knowing it’s pointless arguing, and Ashton can’t help but smile softly at the relief in the distraught man’s face. Ashton pulls away slightly, and puts a hand on either side of his face, looking clearly into his eyes. It hurts Ashton to see the true levels of exhaustion, of sadness there. Michael’s eyes are swollen and red raw, dried blood coating his lips from where’s he’s been biting his lip. 

“You are an amazing person, you’re Michael...amazing nurse, friend, dad and husband ok? And it makes me chest ache when I know how little you believe this. You’re allowed to be upset, and to feel like this, your life’s changed and you made this incredible person – you’re allowed to be scared. And Luke...well he’s an idiot, maybe he’s scared too and he’s coping in other ways, but that’s not ok Mike and you’re allowed to be upset about it....whatever is going on, if he isn’t helping like he should, or showing you he loves you it’s not ok....you don’t deserve that, no matter who much you both love each other. ” Ashton chooses his words carefully, he honestly doesn’t believe Luke doesn’t love Michael or Jess but maybe he isn’t pulling his weight as he should in the family department. 

Michael’s lip wobbles but he doesn’t cry anymore – he’s not sure he’s got any tears left. Now he’s calmed down some, he notices how exhausted he feels and the pounding in his head. 

“Quick shower yeah?” Ashton asks, knowing Michael has had enough for now. Michael nods, knowing that even though he feels as though he can barely stand up, it will help. 

“Start it up babe, I’ll grab you some clothes and something for your head” Ashton helps him off the floor, kissing his forehead again. 

“Ash...” Michael ‘s voice cracks from crying so hard for so long and Ashton pauses in the doorway eyebrows raised.

“In the main bathroom my meds....” he trails off and Ashton smiles at him, knowing that the redhead will accept some help. 

“I’ll get them” he promises, shutting the door behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the kudos and comments!  
> Please let me know what you think - By the way I haven't forgotten Luke, he's got some angst and hurt/comfort in the next chapters....  
> My expanding universe AU's include a hurt!ashton, Calum and Luke Centric oneshots too - anyone interested?


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some much needed heart-to hearts....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this might be the penultimate chapter - Unless the final chapter grows into a monster!!   
> Thanks for all the kudos and lovely comments

CHAPTER 4

Ashton busies himself with cleaning – in all honesty the house is pretty tidy and clean all things considering. His brain is whirling with all the information Michael’s dumped on him in the last hour or so. He’s angry, at himself and everyone for pushing harder when they realised something wasn’t right. They’ve all noticed, him Calum , even Karen rang Calum last week to ask him to keep an eye on him. Whatever anger he feels for his friends and colleagues though, is nothing compared to the anger he feels at Luke.

He’s pulled out of his thoughts by his phone ringing, and his stomach sinks as he spots the ID – he forgot he was supposed to meet Calum after the surgeon finished his shift. 

“Hey I’m so sorry babe” Ashton immediately apologies. 

“Hey it’s ok...is everything alright? Let me guess you got caught up in Jess’s green eyes again....” Calums upbeat, easy-going voice immediately soothes Ashton’s frayed nerves. 

“Yeah...well no....” Ashton sighs, knowing he needs to tell his boyfriend what is going on – and he knows Michael won’t mind. 

“What’s wrong?” The easiness of Calum’s voice has disappeared – and Ashton can pretty much hear him frowning down the phone. 

“Everyone’s fine” Ashton begins, with them all working in healthcare he knows it’s the first thing they all think of, “I did go to see Mikey, and well....he’s a mess Cal....like a mess” Ashton tries to swallow back the lump in his throat as his mind replays their conversation.

Clearly his voice hasn’t came out as even as he’d like it to have, “How bad?” Calum asks, voice laden with concern.

“He was crying in the bathroom alone....Jess was wailing in her crib, He’s...he’s not coping Cal.” Ashton explains.

“Jess was fine, she was just tired I think, Michael has been up all night with her, he’s exhausted Cal. Luke didn’t come home last night, and I get the impression he’s been working long hours, and maybe...maybe he isn’t always working.” Ashton voices hesitantly, because he wants to give the blonde doctor the benefit of the doubt, but he can’t help but be suspicious.

“Son of a bitch...I saw him last night, he went for coffee with...well with Dr Smith and then he must have stayed overnight then come home” Calum practically hissed.  
Ashton just sighed shaking his head – he had no words for that. 

“Do you want me to come over?” Calum asked, and he knows that the Kiwi is asking just as much for Michael as he is for him. 

“That would be nice, he’s sleeping now” Ashton stirs the casserole he’s making – using whatever he could find in the fridge, which wasn’t a lot because clearly no-one had been shopping for a while. 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Michael wakes up still feeling tired but more rested then before. He can hear soft voices downstairs, instantly recognising them as Calum and Ashton. He’s relieved they’re both here, but he can’t help but feel disappointed that this husband isn’t home yet. He rolls over to check his phone, heart sinking as he notices they aren’t any texts or missed calls – it’s like Luke’s forgotten them – him and Jess. He knows he should get up, he has guests and it’s rude, but he can’t – the thought just exhausts him. He has nothing to offer them anyway – no exciting conversation, nothing. Maybe if just lies here they’ll begin to forget him like Luke is. 

He’s not sure how long he lies there, caught up in that train of thought, before he’s aware of the door opening and the presence of Calum. He smiles softly as he spots Calum, hating how much the Kiwi is already frowning.

“Hey, room for one more?” He asks, already settling on the bed, lying on top of the covers. 

“Time is it?” Michael yawns, the after effects of the medication still making him groggy. 

“Little after 5....you’ve slept for 3 hours” Calum replies, tugging Michael to lie onto his chest.

“Hmmmm...Jess ok?” He asks, an edge of guilt in his voice. 

“Perfect, snuggled up watching cartoons with uncle Ash” Calum giggles, thinking of how engrossed both were at the TV as he snuck upstairs. “But that’s not important...are you ok?” Calum asks seriously.

Michael doesn’t answer, he really doesn’t know anymore. 

“Ash told me about....today....” Calum begins, and shoves Michael gently as he spots the red head rolling his eyes, because no shit Sherlock. 

“Hey....we’re both a little worried here.....maybe, well maybe you’re a little depressed? It’s normal after having a baby Mikey.” Calum states softly, his voice full of understanding and warmth. He and Ashton have discussed everything fully and it all adds up – the feelings of being overwhelmed, inadequate, scared of not looking after Jess right. 

“Like....post-partum?” Michael asks, his voice incredibly small and sad again, and Calum hates that tone. 

“Maybe” Calum agrees, playing with Michael’s hair, knowing his longest-serving friend loves it when people touch his hair.

Michael breathes out hard, not sure whether he wants it to be that or not. Rationally it would explain it, while his past battles have always been about similar themes it’s never seemed so intense or overwhelming. He hates the idea of being labelled with it – and he’s scared of what people will think, what Luke will think.

“You can’t help this, but you can try to make things better – those that love you will all be here for you, no-one will judge you...” Calum promises instantly, as if reading Michael’s thoughts. 

Michael sighs at that....because what if the one person who means so much to him doesn’t love him anymore....

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Ashton is feeding Jess when the door opens, a certain elusive tall blonde entering the hall and slipping of his shoes. 

“Uh....hi?” Luke’s face is confused, and Ashton pushes down his anger – knowing it’s not useful right now.

“Luke” he nods, before cooing at the little girl in his arms. 

“Ash...what’s...where’s Mike?” Luke asks with a frown.

“He’s upstairs with Calum,” Ashton’s tone is just on the right side of courteous. “Want to finishing feeding your daughter? Probably haven’t seen her much lately.” Ashton knows he’s crossing the line but he can’t help it. 

“What? What does that mean?” Luke asks, instantly defensive. He can’t help but feel guilty – he could have come home last night after his shift. The house has been so tense lately, he loves his daughter but between Jess, their jobs and Michael pushing him away he hasn’t loved being at home.

“Just that....Mikey seems to be spending every minute he’s not at work with her, and work seems to have been extremely busy for you.” Ashton continues flatly, the accusation clear. He pulls his casserole out the oven before passing over a burping cloth for Jess.

Luke nods gratefully for the cloth, his stomach twisting at his friend’s words.   
“Where is Mike? Is he ok?” Luke asks again, rather then argue Ashton's point. 

“No Luke he isn’t. He’s exhausted, running himself into the ground to care for your daughter, and work. I came round and sent him to bed” Ashton can’t help but raise his voice a little. 

Luke can’t quite breathe for a second as the words hit him. Truthfully he knows his husband hasn’t been handling things well lately. He’s been stressed, Luke’s watched him at home and work looking tense and haggard, though never making a mistake at either. 

Michael and Calum appear before the blonde gets a chance to open his mouth and form coherent sentences. Michael doesn’t look at him, or at Jess, instead he focuses on Ashton giving him an exhausted smile. 

“Thanks Ash....smells great” his voice is still a little hoarse. Luke watches his husband for a minute, and actually sees him for the first time in months. He looks awful, his eyes tired and face pale. He seems so small, all of a sudden, not the life and soul of the party everyone knows him as. He’s wearing an old shirt, one he got a few sizes bigger for immediately after his pregnancy, and Luke can see how much it hangs off him – he’s clearly lost his baby weight and then some. Luke feels a pang, because how hasn’t he noticed this? 

“Look you two need to talk....Do you want us to take Jess?” Calum asks, not even greeting the other doctor in the room. 

Michael hesitates, and Luke feels instantly concerned at a) the thought of having to have such as serious conversation and b) why would Michael want Jess to be away from them? 

“No we’ll be fine” Luke states firmly, cradling his daughter to his chest. Instantly the baby becomes fussy again, sensing the tension in the room. Michael shuts his eyes and breathes deeply, trying not to break down at the sounds his daughter is making. 

Calum makes a move to touch him, but quickly aborts it, seeing just how hard Michael is trying to keep it together. Luke sees it too – and instantly feels sick. Whatever is going on is serious, because Michael only gets like this when things bottle up inside him and reach breaking point....and he missed it, because he was too busy enjoying the attention of a young, hot woman and distracting himself with work. Letting Michael pick up the slack at home. As the realisation hits home he feels sick to his stomach. 

“Mikey?” Ashton asks, voice soft. 

Michael breathes out hard, “We’ll be fine thanks Ash,” he gives the man a tired but true smile, and Ashton knows he’s thanking him for everything.

“Anytime, the doors always open and the phone’s always switched on” he promises. He gives Michael a brief hug, “I love you” he whispers quietly. 

“See you tomorrow night” Ashton nods pulling away, “Night Luke.” 

Calum uncharacteristically ignores social pleasantries, ignoring Luke completely – too angry to trust himself to speak as he listened to his best friend of 20 years pour his heart out. He does give Michael a quick hug.

“Call if you need me, love you” he whispers quietly in the nurse’s ear.

The pair stand in silence for a few minutes. Luke is still trying to comprehend what’s going on. Michael just doesn’t know what to say, he’s trying to prepare himself for yet another long conversation about his feelings, the thought making his skin crawl. He needs to do this though – tonight or he’ll lose his nerve. 

“Uh...I’ll put her down, then we’ll talk?” Luke breaks the silence, sounding unusually unsure of himself. It’s almost refreshing, and Michael is reminded of a fresh faced medical student asking Michael out for the first time. For the first time in weeks, since Luke made him a surprise Lunch, Michael feels a flash of hope that maybe they will get through this. Michael just nods and tries to ready himself.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Luke sits for a few minutes in stunned silence. Michael’s told him everything, how he feels, the not-sleeping, the woeful inadequacy of how he feels as a husband and a father. Luke knew the red head wasn’t ok, but the extent to which he feels is shocking and concerning. Luke feels sick to his stomach with both fear and guilt – what does this mean for them? 

Michael hears Jess begin to cry again, and looks at the clock – she must be hungry. 

“I’ll get her......can you heat up a bottle?” He asks, not looking at Luke but rather the table. Luke hates that. That Michael feels so uncomfortable he can’t make contact with the man he’s been married to for 3 years and been with for nearly 6. 

“I can get her” Luke offers, because in all honesty he’s not sure how Michael is still standing he looks so tired. The guilt is overwhelming him. He can’t believe how ignorant he’s been to his husband, his daughter and he can’t help but thank his lucky stars they both have friends like Ashton and Calum. 

“I can do it” Michael instantly snaps back. 

Luke takes a breath, to stop himself from getting angry too, “I never said you couldn’t, but you’re exhausted and you always feed her....” Luke states patiently. 

“And why is that?” Michael challenges, for the first time in an hour raising his eyes to look at his husband. His eyes are red-rimmed and cold. In some ways Luke’s glad, that there’s still some fight left in him, but he hates the fact it’s directed at him – even if it is his own fault. 

“Mikey....” Luke begins.

“Save it,” the older man interrupts, cringing as he hears his daughter wail, “I need to see to her, please just heat the bottle up and bring it up....please Luke.” Michael sounds utterly defeated and all Luke wants to do is hug him and never let him go.

“Ok.....we’ll finish our talk in a bit” he promises, not wanting to leave it how it is. 

Michael doesn’t even acknowledge the statement, instead rushing upstairs. 

Luke heats up the formula on autopilot, mind whirling. He knows Michael has post-partum depression – all the signs are there. The doctor in him is already making an action plan, who they need to speak to, maybe they both need time off work.......it’s soothing really to detach himself from the situation by thinking of a treatment plan, for the first time since he stepped into the house he feels sure of himself. It’s an instinct within him, to want to fix things and always thinking of a plan. Much like Michael work soothes him, it helps him feel sure of himself and he realises with a sick sensation that that’s what he’s been doing all this time – Ignoring feeling unsure of being a parent by working all the time and not being at home to parent. Luke stops what he’s doing and braces himself against the counter as it hits him, and he can’t help but hate himself a little bit. 

“I know, Ssssssh I know sweetie....Daddy’s bringing up your bottle you little milk monster” Michael’s voice floats over the baby monitor in the kitchen and despite the seriousness of the situation Luke can’t help but smile. Michael’s voice is soft and full of love, it’s the voice Luke hears reserved for two people – Luke and Jess. 

“We love you, me and your daddy, no matter what we love you, yeah we do” Michael continues the fondness in his voice clear.

That’s when Luke knows they’ll be ok.....

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

They both feed Jess before settling back downstairs again. 

“Mikey, just let me apologise properly please.” Luke practically begs as Michael settles himself on the sofa. Michael raises an eyebrow but says nothing – Luke takes it as his cue to continue.

“I’m sorry. I know it’s so woefully inadequate but....well I haven’t been the husband you deserve, or the father Jess deserves” Luke can feel the lump in his throat swelling and his eyes burning. To think it hurt but to say it out loud is even worse then he imagined. Despite the resentment Michael can’t help but feel he feels himself breaking at that.

“I just....I thought it would be easy being a dad, because I love you and I love her, and that’s what matters right? But then things just seem to be so new so quickly....and I panicked and I threw myself into work instead” Luke pauses to take a breath, looking deep into Michael’s eyes. The other man can’t help but breathe out harshly as he sees the regret in his eyes, the pain there.

“I was wrong. So wrong....and I left you to it, and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I didn’t see what this is doing to you, that you’re struggling and I was blind to it. I’m sorry that I failed Jess...I failed you.” Luke’s voice does break then, and the tears that have threatened through the speech finally fall. Michael’s resolve crumbles, and he feels stupid for thinking that Luke might have fallen out of love with him, because the pain and sheer rawness of his voice tells him all he needs to know – that Luke loves him, loves Jess....In that moment he knows everything will be ok in their little family. 

“It’s ok, it’s ok” Michael soothes his sobbing husband, standing up and pulling him into his chest despite the height difference – and rocks him back and forth.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

By the time they’re in bed both men are utterly exhausted. They get ready in silence, Luke ringing them both in for tomorrow so they can spend a long overdue day together. Michael can’t help but smirk as he watches Luke lie through his teeth to Mr Feldam, the chief of the ER claiming a stomach bug, which means he’s off for the next 48 hours as of hospital rules. Of course the chief believes him, Luke is somewhat of a rockstar and ER golden boy. Michael texts Carol, claiming Jess and Luke are both unwell, her reply is instant telling him to take as much time as he needs. He wonders if either he looked more unwell then he thought yesterday, or if her eerie 6th sense tells her there’s more to it and he needs the time off. It all just seemed a bit too easy. Neither like lying, but in all honesty having some time to spend together, to work things out instantly makes Michael feel lighter and happier then he’s done in months. 

“What are you smirking at?” Luke grins, despite his obvious exhaustion. 

“You...the golden boy, lying to your boss” Michael teases lightly. It’s nice, to tease, after hours of brutally honest conversation. He can’t remember the last time they were like this, teasing and smiling, probably Michael’s first day back at work.

“I’d do anything for you Mr Hemmings” Luke says with a smile, his eyes are honest and Michael gives him a small smile. Despite the hope he feels he can’t help but feel guarded somewhat – because right now they’re just words. Luke senses the change in mood, and the smile slips. Michael hates himself a little bit. 

“I know we’ve probably had enough for tonight but.....I just want you to know things will get better. I think maybe, “ Luke hesitates, “maybe you need to talk to someone.” He pauses but Michael says nothing, he just fiddles with the duvet. 

“I need to be here more, I’ve been leaving you to do too much and it’s not fair.” Luke continues, knowing it’s better to first plant the seed with Michael before pushing the idea. Luke’s already deciding he’s going to take time off work to let them get into a routine and work things out, he has too much vacation time anway. “You’ve rearranged work to fit around Jess, and maybe I can’t quite do it to the same degree but I could be home more...I should be home more....and I love you, I love Jess and maybe I haven’t shown it enough it lately. But I do...I do Mikey so much” Luke’s voice catches then, but he doesn’t cry – both of them have shed too many tears for that.

“I love you too” Michael replies, grabbing his hand. There’s still so much uncertainty, things to think about and plan, but those words – those are certain and real. Luke kisses his hand, and turns off the light, pulling Michael into his chest. 

For the first time since Jess was born Michael sleeps through the night – and if sensing her daddies need it their little girl does too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you all think!   
> Next chapter has some Luke angst, Luke/Calum friendship and some Michael/Luke and Calum/Ashton being cute


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just some Muke and Cashton fluff for now...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry I've been super busy and haven't had a chance to write anything   
> So this morning I've sat and wrote a quick 2000 words to tide you all over. Blown away by all the kudos, comments and subscriptions/bookmarks - very motivating so please keep them coming!

Luke wakes up at 6 am, his body clock used to early starts. The house is silent, Luke smiles as he hears Jess breathing through the baby monitor. His smile grows as he realises Michael has attached himself to him as he slept, as much as the smaller man denies it he always ends up being the little spoon. Michael’s tucked into his chest, and as Luke looks down he’s relieved to find him fast asleep, his face peaceful. Guilt flares up as he takes in the dark circles, which a night of rest alone can’t fix. Instantly the blonde’s mind is brought back to the problem at hand, and the guilt he feels. Knowing he can’t get back to sleep now, Luke carefully untangles himself from his husband, gently kissing him on his forehead and heads downstairs, he has some thinking to do.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“Morning handsome” Ashton grins as Calum walks into their kitchen, hair tussled. Ashton has always been an early riser and a morning person. In fact he’d managed to squeeze a quick run in before his boyfriend had even stirred. The blonde felt better for it, yesterday had been draining to say the least, and the sadness fear and anger had all but left him, though he still couldn’t help but think of the small family that lived so close to them.

Calum rolls his eyes, despite dating him for 3 years the Kiwi can’t quite get used to his exuberance so early in the morning. 

“Here you big grump” Ashton grins affectionately, passing the brunette a coffee as he opened the cereal cupboard.

Calum grunts a thank you and begins to pour some cereal. He’s interrupted as his phone chirps on the kitchen bench where he’d left it the night before.  
“You’re off today right?” Ashton asks, his head buried in the fridge.

“Uh....yeah” Calum replies, frowning at his phone. 

“Everything alright?” Ashton asks, peeking from the side of the fridge door. 

“Yeah...that was Luke, he wants to talk” Calum frowns at his phone. Truthfully as soon the anger had left him he’d felt a bit guilty at being so rude to his friend. Truth is maybe both guys are struggling.

“Hey don’t feel guilty,” Ashton immediately closes the door and walks over to his boyfriend. “I was angry too, I think that’s fair after all we’ve heard...and seen.”   
“I know just...well we didn’t even hear his side” Calum bites his lip, the guilt rising, “It’s all just a lot to take in for him”

“It’s a lot for all of us babe” Ashton reassures him, placing a hand on either side of his face and looking into his eyes “answer him, you guys could go for a coffee or something. I can pop in and see Mike before I head to work.” 

Calum still feels guilt prickling away but nods, “It’s a plan”

Ashton smiles reassuringly, kissing him on the forehead, “I’m going to get ready.”

Calum can’t help but watch Ashton walk away, wondering how he got so lucky, before he picks his phone back up.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Michael wakes up to an empty bed, which in itself isn’t exactly unusual after the past few weeks. He stretches out, feeling more rested then he has in a while, but still tired. He can’t help but panic for a few minutes, wondering if Luke decided he couldn’t cope with it all and finally he left. He smiles as he hears Jess’s gurgles, almost like a laugh and he can hear Luke signing to her. It both makes his heart smile and hurt, because he can’t remember when he last sang to Jess even though she loves it – because she always seems to cry with him, or they’re rushing around to different places. He feels like an awful father, and husband that he’s just a little jealous of the fun time they seem to be having. He also thought Luke would leave her – he’s being so unfair and irrational, but he just can’t break the thoughts. Michael feels tears burn the back of his eyelids and he buries himself deeper into the covers, not quite able to bring himself to get out of bed. 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“Making daddy’s favourite aren’t we Jess?” Luke grins at his daughter he has resting in his arms while he moves around the kitchen. His little girl looks at him with a smile and Luke realises just how much he’s missed her the past few weeks. He’s pleased Michael’s still in bed, knowing the older man is exhausted and needs the rest. He wants to do something nice for him, and while it doesn’t make things magically better Luke feels like it’s a small start. Calum replying has already made him feel better about things to – he hates the idea that his best friends are mad at him, even if they had good reason to be. He figures he’ll bring Jess too, give Michael a few hours to himself to relax. 

Luke’s always found cooking soothing, and even though he’s just making pancakes the actions are soothing. He places Jess in her bouncer seat which is on the kitchen table, the little girl content to watch her daddy with her wide blue eyes. 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Michael stares at his red swollen eyes in the bathroom mirror. He can hear Luke clattering in the kitchen and he knows he should really make a move to get dressed, even if the task seems monumental. How he can he already be so tired after a full nights rest? He looks at his dull eyes and dull hair and just doesn’t quite understand why anyone can quite love him, and how he’s ended up hating himself so much. 

The thought makes him tear up again, but he refuses to let them fall. He bites his lip and forces himself in the shower – determined to go downstairs and face the two who make him the happiest and saddest man.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“Morning” Luke smiles as Michael enters the kitchen, dressed in long sleeves and sweatpants. Luke’s putting the stack on a plate, and doesn’t turn around but he hears a mumbled response and can hear Michael speaking softly to Jess. He can hear his husband move the chair so their little girl’s chair is resting on their kitchen chairs, in between their seats. 

“Been a while since we’ve done this, thought we could maybe take Jess to the park” Luke continues, walking over with two plates, “then me and Jess we’re going to meet Cal to give you time to yourself for a few hours” he finishes, finally taking his seat and looking at his husband. His heart drops a little as he spots Michael staring at his plate, hands balled up in his long sleeves, which he now realises is his by the length of the arms and the way it hangs off his shoulders. Michael’s posture screams defensive, and he seems to be staring at his plate to steel himself. When Michael finally looks up Luke understands why, because while Michael smiles and nods along, there’s subtle signs the red head’s been crying, and his lip looks sore from where he’s clearly been biting at it. Luke’s concern increases as he spots the trembling in Michael’s hands, but the red head seems desperate to pretend everything is ok and his smile seems genuine, albeit shaky so Luke drops it for now and plays along. 

Breakfast is nice, despite how he feels Michael enjoys spending time with his family. The pancakes are good, Luke always makes the best ones, but he doesn’t really have an appetite. He forces 1 and a half down, ignoring the nausea before he has to pause and take a sip of water. He immediately feels uncomfortably full and sick but the smile Luke gives him makes him feel just a little better. He can’t eat much more after that, instead he concentrates on cutting up his pile into tiny pieces, and dips them into his syrup before playing around with it on his plate as Luke fills in the silence.

“You done?” Luke asks softly after a while, at some point he’s given up conversation and is now standing next to Michael, his own empty plate in his hand. Michael looks at his plate, and nods. He feels awful he couldn't finish them, not when Luke got up early to make them specially. It’s just another thing he’s letting people down on and tears burn his eyes again, blurring the plate he’s staring at. It’s stupid, he’s aware he’s crying over something ridiculously trivial. But it seems after spending months of constantly holding back tears his body won’t let him do that anymore. He bites his lip as a tear runs down his cheek, because he isn’t going to sob over pancakes. He won’t. Luke spots it despite Michael’s best efforts and immediately puts the plates down on the table.

“Mike” he breathes, feeling choked up himself. It hurts Luke to see Michael like this, so worn down, so unlike himself. “Hey it’s ok, everything’s fine babe” he reassures him.   
Michael says nothing but the tears flow faster down his cheek. 

“Hey talk to me, “ Luke crouches down, gently taking one of his hands. Michael shakes his head, he can’t. Luke sighs, feeling incredibly out of his depth. He reaches up and lifts Michael’s chin so the red head is looking at him.

“Michael Gordon Clifford, I have loved you from the moment I met you....There is nothing you can say that will ever change that ok?” Luke reaches up and gently brushes his hair off his forehead.

“It’s fine, I’m just tired, I don’t even know why I feel so sad” Michael admits with a shrug, furiously wiping at his eyes, as if that will solve everything.

Luke gently takes hold of his hands and tugs him up and gently in for a hug. Michael goes willingly and Luke can feel more tears soak through the shoulder of his t-shirt where Michael’s head is resting. 

“It’s ok to feel sad, this isn’t your fault, we’re going to get through this, it’s going to get better ok? Maybe I’ll call Dr Thomas today, make an appointment?” He talks softly, soothingly and Michael desperately tries to believe him. He knows he needs help, so he nods into Luke’s shoulder. The pair stay like this for a few minutes, Luke enjoying being able to hold the red head holding him tight as if he can pass on any strength to his struggling husband.

“I don’t need to meet Cal” Luke says after a while, almost cautiously. He knows Michael hates to feel a burden, and he doesn’t want to imply he doesn’t think Michael should be left alone. Luke doesn’t actually think that anyway, yes the nurse is having a bad time but he knows Michael isn’t quite that low...yet. 

Those words seem to strike Michael into action, he pulls away and runs his hands down his face taking a deep breath. 

“No you should, a few hours to myself will be nice” he says. He’s not entirely sure he wants to be left alone, but Luke probably needs a few hours to digest everything as well. Besides if he could always ring his mam or Ashton.

“I don’t...I won’t tell him anything you don’t want me to” Luke promises, not looking convinced about leaving Michael alone.

Michael nods, hesitating for a second. Luke deserves to have someone to talk to, as confused as Michael feels he realises Luke must feel similar. Parenthood is daunting, balancing marriage, work and a family is nevermind a spouse who currently is a wreck. 

“You can...you can tell him...about....” Michael trails off awkwardly “he knows a bit after yesterday anyway.” He tries to act nonchalant but the thought makes his insides churn because now he remembers yesterday. How vulnerable he was, how everyone now knows he can’t balance everything.

As if reading his mind Luke holds his hands again, giving them a squeeze, “no-one thinks any differently of you” he reminds the red-head.  
Michael nods, wanting to believe it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you think?
> 
> Some Cake and Mashton friendship coming up in the next chapter I promise!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Final Chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry it's taken so long to finish....but here it is

Luke breathes a deep sigh as he finishes doing his hair. He feels nervous, only some of it is about about leaving Michael, he’s mainly nervous about seeing Calum after yesterday. He hates this, he shouldn’t feel so unsure about meeting his best friend, but the pair are rarely angry at each other. Calum just seemed so disappointed in him yesterday, not that the blonde can blame him, he’s really been missing the mark lately. At least he’s had a good morning, he and Michael took Jess to the park and just being outside was nice. It was nice to spend time together, to do something spontaneous and relaxed, it did them all some good. 

“You’re going to be late” Michaels’ voice floats in from the doorframe. Luke startles out his thoughts, and gives the older man a small smile through the mirror. Michael looks a little more put together then he did an hour ago, he’s showered and dressed, his hands no longer shaking. Luke isn’t sure if he’s actually feeling better or if the red head is just putting his mask back in place, the realisation stings because Luke realises that he’s never felt unsure about that before. 

“He might not come” Luke shrugs, a lump rises in his throat as his mind flashes back to the silent anger, and disappointment the Kiwi showed yesterday.

Michael rolls his eyes and enters the room, “Course he will...he’s Calum” he reasons.

“I’ve messed up” Luke sighs, tears pricking the back of his eyes.

“I think we all have” Michael shrugs, taking his hand and giving it a squeeze. He gives him a small, but genuine smile. Luke returns it as he once again realises just how lucky he is to have found this man. This man who is hurting so much right now, but as ever is always there to reassure the ones he loves. It gives Luke hope, knowing that underneath al the confusion Michael is still the man he met all those years ago, he’s still the Michael he fell in love with. 

“Mike you haven’t....you’re just......” Luke trails off unsure of what to say exactly, and that stings again as he can’t remember the last time he felt this unsure around his own husband. The warmth he felt a moment ago vanishes, and he’s left with the icy feeling of guilt, uncertainty and sheer sadness all over again.

Michael’s smile falters, and he drops Luke’s hand slowly. 

“You should get going” he states softly, turning to leave.

“Hey” Luke reaches out to stop the older man, touching his forearm. Michael spins around to face him again, “I love you” he pulls the red head into a hug and kisses his forehead. Michael clings on a little, letting the small amount of intimacy calm him. 

“Love you too” he mumbles into the blondes chest.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Calum’s already in the coffee shop as Luke arrives, two cups in front of him. The sight of the dark-haired man brings a smile to his face, grateful that his friend will at least talk to him. 

Calum’s absentmindedly playing with his phone as he sends one last text to Ashton. Truth be told he’s a little nervous, and still angry at Luke. But their friends, have been for too many years to let cross words and disappointment come between them. Still Calum can’t quite remember the last time he felt this apprehensive about seeing the blonde.  
“Hey,” Luke’s voice startles him out of his thoughts. He looks up to see the blonde shift hesitantly slide into to the booth. 

“Hope you don’t mind...queue was quiet when I got here” Calum smiles back, nodding at the cup.

“You haven’t spat in it have you?” Luke asks, deciding to risk some humour to try and break the ice, “I mean I wouldn’t blame you but....” Luke grins a little as he watches the Kiwi relax. 

It works, Calum grins at that “Well no not yet” he concedes. The smile falters slightly as he sobers up, remembering why they’re here...to clear the air.

“Look mate” Luke sighs, and the apology begins. 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“Mike?” Ashton knocks and pushes the door open. His mind briefly flashes back to the previous day, and a small pang of sadness hits the paramedic all over again as he prays he won’t see that again.

It is different though, he can hear the TV playing and Jess’s gurgles which means the pair must be in the living room. Ashton kicks off his shoes, and walks into the room, smiling at what he sees and pauses at the doorway. Jess is lying on her play mat, clawing at the toy Michael is waving in her face and talking in silly voices to her.

It’s a beautiful sight, both father and daughter happy and in their own world. It makes Ashton both happy and sad, because how the hell does Michael not think he’s good at this? That he isn’t good enough for his little girl. Jess giggles as Michael bops her on the nose with the little stuffed rabbit, and Michael grins back, smiling softly. He still looks tired, and thin, but his posture is the most relaxed Ashton has seen it be in a while. Ashton watches for a bit longer, content to see the pair happy and tear free before breaking the moment.

“How’s my guys today?” He announces. 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“And well...I messed up” Luke sighs rubbing his face. Calum doesn’t correct him, he just leans over and squeezes the hand that's holding onto his cup. 

“You have, but you can’t do anything about it now,” he states matter of factly. He’s not meaning to sound rude or callous but it would be a lie to pretend that Luke hasn’t been in the wrong. “You all just need to work it out from now.”

Luke nods, a lump in his throat. He’s spent the last half hour telling Calum everything, about Dr Smith, the tension at home, how he feels. It’s hard, admitting to both his feelings and failures as a friend, husband and a dad, but he feels freer after. 

“I just feel so guilty.....I should have seen it, I should have been there” he mumbles quietly, eyes stinging. He won’t let the tears fall here though, not in public.

Any residual anger that Calum felt has vanished over the past half hour, hearing Luke’s own insecurities and regret has seen to that. 

“Hey, we all could have seen it...but it’s Michael, he bottles things up and pretends everything is ok until he breaks. You know that.” Calum reassures him, giving his hand a squeeze. “What’s important is what we do right now.” 

Luke looks up, teary-eyed and nods. 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 

“Still not hungry huh?” Ashton asks as he watches Michael pull apart his sandwich rather than eat it.

Michael just shrugs and pushes his plate away. Jess went down for a nap a few minutes ago, and being around just Ashton makes his stomach twist with anxiety. He hates how unsure he feels around one of his best friends. For the last hour the pair have been playing with Jess, and he could forget about it all for a while, but now all he can think of is yesterday. His memories of the previous day are a little hazy at best, but the things he does remember make him cringe a little.  
“Look Mike...” Ashton begins and Michael tenses, steeling himself.

“Hey,” The blonde reaches out and grasps his arm. “Nothing has changed from yesterday, I still think you’re one of the best people I know, you’re hurting that’s ok....it’s ok to feel like this, but we can’t all keep pretending you’re ok when you’re not” Ashton states softly, but firmly.

“I....I don’t know what to do” Michael sighs, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes.

“We’ll make a plan,” Ashton promises.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

And that’s what they do. It isn’t easy, Michael’s been seeing a therapist for months and while he feels better he still has days where getting out of bed is difficult, or days when he feels like he isn’t the father Jess deserves. But he and Luke are working on that. On the days where Michael clearly hasn't slept Carol makes him take a longer break to sleep, Ashton will linger a little longer when he hugs him, Calum brings him coffee...and Luke well Luke takes care of his man. Instead of resisting, Michael lets them, he's learning to accept that he is not a burden, that people care about him, and that it's ok not to be alright sometimes. 

“Ash, let me have a go!” Luke exclaims as tries to push the paramedic out of the way of the grill.

“What is it about a BBQ that makes them so.....Neanderthal” Calum muses with a grin as Michael steps out of the backdoor, beers and juice in hand. 

Michael laughs and shrugs, setting the glasses down, “I have no idea, Ashton’s better with the grill though...don’t tell Luke” he admits, smiling as he spots Jess watching wide eyed in Calum’s arms. His little girl transfixed on her daddy and her uncle. 

Calum smiles and turns his attention back to the squabbling pair, kissing the top of his god daughters head. It’s nice, for them all to share a rare day off together, and spend time relaxing and having fun together. Michael seems a lot better, he’s put back on the weight he’d lost and he’s sleeping better. Luke’s been more attentive, and more confident in his role as a father. They all seem settled now, so much more in tune.....and after the past few months of revelations and secrets, Calum has one more...though he decides to hide the ring in his drawer for a little bit longer yet.......

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if that seemed rushed but I've been stuck on how to finish this and thought it best to conclude it all now.  
> I'm seriously considering making this an AU universe, and writing multiple little stories and one-shots based all on 4 of the boys - let me know if you think I should. 
> 
> Thanks so much for all the comments, kudos, bookmarks and alerts - this is my first story on here and in this fandom...you're all great.


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